Saturday, August 02, 2003

Thursday night I went to launch party for the BBC Book of the Future. Yes, that's right - it's out. Only £4.99! From all good bookshops, if you can find it. It's not exactly Order of the Phoenix, is it? Anyway, you can buy it here.

The party itself was cool, as you can see... no actually, you can't see hardly anything in the pictures above. Except that my friend Maggie and I did a great impression of conjoined twins and if you have a powerful enough microscope you can see us in the middle of the group photo, beneath the chandelier. Butter couldn't make it, due to an attack of lazyitis, so I went with Maggie instead, which was interesting because she attracts sleazy blokes like Coke attracts wasps. One such sleazy bloke was a BBc employee. He was chatting to her, everything seemed wonderful, and then she mentioned her husband. I've never seen a conversation end so abruptly. Not since I was an English conversation teacher, anyway. He should be ashamed of himself.

The only real problem with the party was that they were giving away free booze. Yes, I know that's a quality problem, but when you have an hour-long train ride home and have to go to work the next day, it's not funny. The train journey home seemed to last about a thousand nauseous years, with the woman beside me squawking about 'being sent to Baghdad' into her mobile the whole way. Got home at 12.30, still pissed. Had to get up at 6.30, feeling like I wanted to die. Or at least not go to work. Somehow, I made it.

Anyway, the book's great, and I'm on page 76. And I'm going to stop going on about it now.

It's also time to wave sayonara to the Bad Lyrics competition. There's been lots of discussion about this on this site, by email and in my office. As grand judge, jury and executioner (oh, I wish... someone put Bryan Adams's neck on a block for me...) the final decision is mine and mine alone. Here, in reverse order are The Worst Lyrics in the World... Ever!

In fifth place, the so-called Queen of Pop proves she's as good a lyricist as the Queen of England:

I drive my mini cooper
And I'm feeling super-dooper
Yo they tell I'm a trooper
And you know I'm satisfied
-Madonna, 'American Life'

In fourth place, it's those New Romantic goons, Spandau Ballet:

She used to be a diplomat
But now she's down the laundromat
-Spandau Ballet, 'Highly Strung'

In third place, the most reliable of all atrocious lyricists, Stiiiing:

It's no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in
That book by Nabakov
-The Police, 'Don't stand so close to me'

The runner-up would have taken the crown, but for the brilliant rhyme of 'triangle' and 'my angle':

Bermuda Triangle
Makes my woman disappear
Bermuda Triangle
Don't go too near
At it from my angle
Do you see why I'm so sad
Bermuda Triangle
Very bad!
-Barry Manilow, 'Bermuda Triangle'

And here it is, the winner of the Worst Lyric of All Time. It's unspeakably bad. so bad that it's not even funny. Just totally totally tragic:

I'm afraid of the dark
Especially when I'm in a park
When there's no one else around
Oh I get the shivers
I don't wanna see a ghost
It's the sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
Watch the evening news
-Des'ree, 'Life'