Saturday, July 19, 2003

Antmusic for sexpeople, sexmusic for antpeople

After watching Channel 4's brilliant Adam Ant documentary on Thursday night, I would like to publicly take back the unkind things I said about Adam Ant after seeing him at the Groucho Club. I feel like some scummy tabloid sneerer and have been punishing myself by lying on nails and listening to Phil Collins records. Only joking - I'd never go that far. No crime could ever deserve the punishment of listening to Phil. Actually, no one listens to him any more, do they, for any reason. And the world is a better place for it.

Returning to the subject of the original White Stripe, like many other 30somethings I went out and bought an Adam and the Ants CD yesterday so I could wallow in nostalgia. Ah, 'Stand and Deliver', 'Prince Charming', 'Antmusic'... such great records. It's a shame the CD doesn't include that old classic 'Lady', which featured the immortal lines:

I saw a lady and she was naked
I saw a lady she had no clothes on
I had a good look through the crack
Footmarks up her back
How did they get there?
She was naked

They don't write 'em like that anymore. Actually, I think that listening to pervy Adam ant records when I was 11 probably turned me into the well-adjusted pervert that I am today.

And sticking with pop lyrics, Butter was amazed that I could remember the lyrics to all of these songs that I hadn't heard for nearly 20 years. But we can all do that, can't we? Our brains are full of junk from our teenage years: adverts, pop lyrics, the plots of Doctor Who stories. Leaving very little room to remember important stuff like the date of the Battle of Waterloo, or your own telephone number. This is true. I know the lyrics to 'Ant Rap' but not my own phone number. Scary stuff.

Anyway, here are my nominations for the worst pop lyrics of all time. Please feel free to suggest your own terrible lyrics. Go on, leave a comment!

Promises me I'm as safe as houses
As long as I remember who's wearing the trousers

-Depeche Mode, 'Never Let Me Down Again'

She used to be a diplomat
But now she's down the laundromat

-Spandau Ballet, 'Highly Strung'

I'm hot like an oven
I need some lovin'

-Marvin Gaye, 'Sexual Healing'

Before he leaves the camp he stops
He scans the world outside
And where there used to be some shops
Is where the snipers sometimes hide

-The Human League, 'The Lebanon'

And the winner of the worst lyric of all time:

A Pizza Hut, a Pizza Hut,
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut

-Fast Food Rockers, 'A Big Steaming Pile of Poo'